| I wanted to say something, but in the end, what good is it? We try, we fail, we move on, isn't that the point? We can't live in the past, for things that are dead, burried, cold. We have to pick ourselves up and enjoy what tomorrow brings. I know it sounds silly, and you've heard it before, but SHE's the one when she left, I was devasted, again. And I never got over it, worrying if she would try to commit suicide, even with you, I found myself talking about her. I'd phone her and I would feel like a fool, it became uncomfortable, I became clingy, I lost her respect, the point is, I lost her. And it wasn't like I had abandonment issues, but I was lonely, and it really hurt, the song made matters worse - I even had a song for her! And there were moments (with Angel), when I only saw her in Angel's mannerisms, and nothing was real after that, I had lost a part of my sanity. And it's stupid, and immature, and yet I still think of it now, and it kills. Not so many months ago and like a lifetime ago. I lived since then, or at least tried, but all other younger women became symbolic of her, of wanting to know her, comfort her, heal her, all of which I failed at, all of which was pulled away, somehow. I was depressed, I needed somebody to love - and she confided in me, for a time. It was the kind of feeling that I would have done anything - but I was powerless. The agony of being 'ditched' like that, the strange feeling that I had tried too hard, of being disrepected for being so clingy, essentially, for believing I had fallen in love - and it not being the case. I was not wanted or needed. I was not helpful or supportive enough to keep.... And I can only imagine the numbness of the woman I loved, she was dealing with her demons, she assured me there was nothing to worry about, after 'phone sleep', and choose to drop me from her life. At that point, something in me snapped, and I became even more neurotic than before. Nothing compared to that, and even though the songs and poems I wrote (when I knew her) seem retarded now, she will be one of the strongest memories of my life, and sometimes when all you have is memories, the good and the bad just sorta melange and after that every moment is just survival. I must have played that song a thousand times, and even though what I had with her wasn't intimate, in any sense of the word, why do I remember her and not the others? And when I told the story to other people, they ridiculed me, how could I fall in love with somebody so young, they would say. They assured me that I mistook the young woman's obvious stress and my wish to be supportive, with love. Well I guess I'll never know, it's a subjective measure, but some chapters just don't fade, and that's the chapter that I can't stop thinking about. When she left my life, I had lingering 'pains', or 'pangs' and my body knew it, knew that she was in danger...but such is my fate, a part of me felt like I would never see her again, so I tried to move on, I had mini-relationships which were fine + silly, but you know, I was already filled with the intensity of somebody else. |
